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If there's one thing that matters in American politics, it's carefully considered policy. President Bobby has the fresh ideas the nation needs.

Poverty: OVER

President Bobby will bring his "not-for-cost" management to the American economy, cutting wasteful federal spending by 100%.
President Bobby will task NASA to launch Chirp satellites over the United States, so working Americans can receive coupon codes no matter where they are in the country.
President Bobby will direct the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau to investigate harmful fees like dipping sauce surcharges, saving Americans up to $13 a year.

On day one of his presidency, President Bobby will issue an executive order making crime illegal.
To prevent corruption in the highest levels of the United States government, President Bobby will order all federal employees to share one email account for transparency.
To hamper shoplifting, President Bobby will pass legislation requiring all consumer products to weigh at least forty-five pounds.

President Bobby will declare war on Russia and China, just to get it over with before election season.
To cut down America's bloated defense budget and deter our enemies, President Bobby will order the Air Force and Army to merge and begin construction on flying tanks.
President Bobby will task the Army Corps of Engineers to install giant mouse traps in every major American city to ensure no invader will be able to occupy them.

President Bobby will gather every American for a daily scrum meeting, so citizens are always certain that the government still exists.
To reassure the American people, President Bobby pledges to tuck every American into bed at least once during his presidency.
President Bobby will order the Department of Energy to begin work on eliminating nighttime, to bring safety to Americans who are afraid of the dark.

President Bobby will ban cars and make all Americans ride public transit to build connections between people.
President Bobby will force the leaders of both major parties to join him on vacation in the Caribbean twice a month.
To reduce the toxicity of social media, President Bobby will make email the only legal method of online communication in the United States.

On day one of his presidency, President Bobby will revoke Wa-Bobby's citizenship and place an immediate kill order on him.