If there's one thing that matters in American politics, it's carefully considered policy. President Bobby has the fresh ideas the nation needs.

Poverty: OVER

  • President Bobby will bring his "not-for-cost" management to the American economy, cutting wasteful federal spending by 100%.
  • President Bobby will task NASA to launch Chirp satellites over the United States, so working Americans can receive coupon codes no matter where they are in the country.
  • President Bobby will direct the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau to investigate harmful fees like dipping sauce surcharges, saving Americans up to $13 a year.

Crime: OVER

  • On day one of his presidency, President Bobby will issue an executive order making crime illegal.
  • To prevent corruption in the highest levels of the United States government, President Bobby will order all federal employees to share one email account for transparency.
  • To hamper shoplifting, President Bobby will pass legislation requiring all consumer products to weigh at least forty-five pounds.


  • President Bobby will declare war on Russia and China, just to get it over with before election season.
  • To cut down America's bloated defense budget and deter our enemies, President Bobby will order the Air Force and Army to merge and begin construction on flying tanks.
  • President Bobby will task the Army Corps of Engineers to install giant mouse traps in every major American city to ensure no invader will be able to occupy them.

Fear: OVER

  • President Bobby will gather every American for a daily scrum meeting, so citizens are always certain that the government still exists.
  • To reassure the American people, President Bobby pledges to tuck every American into bed at least once during his presidency.
  • President Bobby will order the Department of Energy to begin work on eliminating nighttime, to bring safety to Americans who are afraid of the dark.

Division: OVER

  • President Bobby will ban cars and make all Americans ride public transit to build connections between people.
  • President Bobby will force the leaders of both major parties to join him on vacation in the Caribbean twice a month.
  • To reduce the toxicity of social media, President Bobby will make email the only legal method of online communication in the United States.

Wa-Bobby: OVER

  • On day one of his presidency, President Bobby will revoke Wa-Bobby's citizenship and place an immediate kill order on him.